'What is a dysfunctional family?'

Wikipedia from Web -

A dysfunctional family is a family in which conflict, misbehaviour and even abuse on the part of individual members of the family occur continually, leading other members to accommodate such actions. ~ Children sometimes grow up in such families with the understanding that such an arrangement is normal. ~ Dsyfunctional familes are most often a result of the alcoholism, substance abuse, or other addictions of parents, parents' untreated mental illnesses/defects or personality disorders, or the parents emulating their own dysfunctional parents and dsyfunctional family experiences. [edit] Behavior patterns Dysfunctional family members have common symptoms and behavior patterns as a result of their common experiences within the family structure. ~ This tends to reinforce the dysfunctional behavior, either through enabling or perpetuation. ~ The family unit can be affected by a variety of factors. According to Steven Farmer, the author of Adult Children of Abusive Parents, [1] there are several symptoms of family dysfunction: * Denial (i.e. ~ a refusal to acknowledge the alcoholism of a parent; ignoring complaints of sexual abuse) * Inconsistency and Unpredictability * Lack of Empathy toward family members * Lack of clear boundaries (i.e. ~ throwing away personal possessions that belong to others, inappropriate touching, etc.) * Role reversals ("parentifying" children) * "Closed family system" (a socially isolated family that discourages relationships with outsiders) * Mixed Messages * Extremes in Conflict (either too much or too little fighting between family members) Dr. ~ Dan Neuharth, author of If You Had Controlling Parents also expounds on dysfunctional families. ~ (He uses the terms "controlling parents", "unhealthy control" and "over control" throughout his book.) He cites eight signs of unhealthy parenting: [2] * Conditional love * Disrespect * Stifled speech (children not allowed to dissent or question authority) * Emotional intolerance (family members not allowed to express the "wrong" emotions) * Ridicule * "Dogmatic or chaotic parenting" (harsh and inflexible discipline) * "Denial of an Inner Life (children are not allowed to develop their own value system) * Social dyfunction or isolation Neuharth also lists eight diferent parenting styles which cause family dysfunction: [3] * Smothering (parents do not allow their children to maintain a separate identity) * Using (destructively narcissistic parents) * Abusing (parents who use physical, verbal, or sexual violence to dominate their children) * Chaotic (unstable parents who behave in a wildly inconsistent manner with their kids) * Perfectionistic( parents who "fixate on order, prestige, power, and/or perfect appearances".) * Cultlike (parents who feel uncertain and "raise their children according to rigid rules and roles".) * Depriving (parents who control by withholding love, money, praise, attention, or anything else their child needs or wants.) * Childlike (parents who parentify their children. ~ They tend to be needy and incompetent. ~ Usually allow the other parent to abuse children.) dysfunctional family

Comment #1 Concerned Family Girl (63.176.159.67) -

I am a witnessed to some of the results of a person growing within a dysfunctional family. My friend has one. She is somewhat anti-social, good thing she opens up to me and I have the chance to console and let her feel she is loved. In search of answers to help my friend, I have seen many incidents and news about children or people who have dysfunctional families turning insane, a menace to society or inflicting pain to themselves. If you know one, try to help her as much as you can, it may save her life.

Comment #2 Drake D. Liz (63.176.159.142) -

Ms. Concerned Family Girl,

It is also good if you don't let your friend with a dysfunctional family depend or rely on you too much. Let her stand on her own feet with just you as her support. It is going to be painful to her if she's too dependent on you and you are not there (maybe you r own issues to deal with that time) when she needed you. Try to manage your friendship well.

Comment #3 Justin (63.176.159.114) -

Honestly what family in america is not a little dysfunctional? I mean every family has their problems and every family has the one family member who needs a little more disicpline and attention than other family memebers. i do not think though that any family is better than anyone elses.

Comment #4 Catie (63.176.159.250) -

This is true, every family has some problems and no one is perfect at all. each family fights and argues and always has some problems, but thats what makes a family a family.

Comment #5 Paul (63.176.159.33) -

A family becomes dysfunctional when they no longer care and love each other. It think its better for those family to go get separated to each other. It's starts with the parent for they are the leaders of this bonds. Usually, when parents start acting like idiot fools, that the start of a dysfunctional family, they don't realize the impact that it will do to their children like in the case Concerned Family Girl's friend.

Comment #6 Pam (63.176.159.196) -

I would never say just split up! You should always try to work things out.

Comment #7 Dana (63.176.159.107) -

I would also agree with Pam. Dont just assume you need to split up, you should definetly try working things out first and putting in all the effort and time you have. You cant do it on your own though. The other people in your family have to be willing to try, and if after all this, everything still does not work out, than maybe you should take some time apart to figure yourselves out again than they putting the family back together, but do not make life for your children miserable. Always put them first and make sure they are happy and content. I wish you the best of luck, and now I see how lucky I am to have the family I have!

Comment #8 Matt Fike (63.176.159.34) -

Justin, I do not agree with you when you say you don't think any family is better than anyone else's. I say this because there are a lot of people out there who abuse there husband/wife, girlfriend/boyfriend or there children. These abusive families don't deserve to have any credit for being normal especially enough credit to be considered as good as any other family.

Comment #9 Tony (63.176.159.44) -

I think it is true that every family is a little dysfunctional at times, it just depends on how you handle the problems. My boyfriend and I just broke up and we have a daughter together but we are remaining best friends, and I think this is better this way for us, and for my daughter.

Comment #10 Minnie (63.176.159.35) -

Dysfunctional family is just a word. To be able to adjust to imperfections of one another is best way to avoid dysfunctional relationships.

Comment #11 Pete (63.176.159.214) -

I have to agree with Justin, every family is dysfunctional, no one is perfect. Dysfunctional families on television bring us laughter, but dysfunctional families in real life are all too real. And most times they bring stress and the sort, but that is a normal part of life.

Comment #12 cwemoy (63.176.159.94) -

I have to agree with Justin on the bit that every family has their own issues but it is not only unique to America alone. A dysfunctional family is a burden to everyone in it and as soon as the individual members get a chance to leave, they do so without ever looking back in the hope that they can change the face of things.

Love is the only good ingredient in families

Comment #13 Mark (63.176.159.34) -

Problems that occur in a family are never ever can be avoided.. I believe that this problems are meant to be happening to us or in our family so the ties that bind us together be tested and further become stronger.

I look at those trials in our family as a testing ground and we (members of the family) are the triumphing soldiers fighting and beating the odds..

Like now, me and my husband are doing all we can to be together..finally.. :)

Comment #14 cwemoy (63.176.159.196) -

Just out of curiosity, is Mark a name that can be used by both sexes?

Indeed family drama is something that is not new. It is important to accept the fact that those turmoils are a common happening. They can make or break a family depending on how they are handled.

That is where the foundation that has been laid is put to test. It had better be more that averagely firm!

Comment #15 Isaac (63.176.159.75) -

The major challenge is to make a dysfunctional family functional again. There are certain things one can obviously not try to run away from. Rather than even contemplate such a move, the best way would be tackle these issues head on.

Perfection is something that you seek after but never get. You can only get close to it.

Forget about whining about why certain things happen the way they do; look into why they happened in the first place.

Comment #16 concerned family dude (63.176.159.110) -

The sad part about belonging to a dysfunctional family is that you become used to the norm. That in the end results in conforming to a certain train of thought with the sole belief that there can never be a better lifestyle.

I concur with dustin that no single family can be said to lack issues. Then again, the way they pull themselves out of these situations determines whether they'll be dysfunctional or not.

Comment #17 Seph (63.176.159.239) -

It is really a simple formula to follow. Talk and try to resolve everything to save one's family, if it means consulting to a marriage councilor or seeking professional advice. Consider the factors (kids, friends, society, health), if it seems all hopeless then proceed to the extreme yet logical solution which is breaking up. Why stay in a relationship filled with misery and pain when you deserve way far better.

Comment #18 Eve (63.176.159.221) -

Mark doesn't sound very much feminine cwemoy, but people do, and often say many things, these days, that tend to go against the norm of yesteryear's society.

Comment #19 curtis (63.176.159.83) -

A woman named Mark.. now that would be interesting. Not good, but very interesting.

Comment #20 smithy (63.176.159.117) -

Talking always helps in any situation, no matter what circumstance it may be. I am sure that we a person would find this to be case in very many positions in life. No matter what a person may find themselves into, talking could never be a negative thing.

Comment #21 Sammy (109.111.97.111) -

Hi there people, I am having some problem nowadays with regards to my dysfunctional family. I do not know how t begins and I cant remember why it happens. I just woke up one day and everything is not the way it used to be. But well, I just want to know how or what makes a family to be dysfunctional. Hope to see some response here about this matter.

Comment #22 Sailing My Ship Alone (165.234.92.243) -

"There IS a difference in dysfunctional families"

I disagree. Not everyone's family is dysfunctional, AND dysfunctional families ARE different. I come from one which fits all of the criteria above. My parents are extremely narcissistic, rejecting, unsupportive, disrespectfuly, self centered, vindictive, and jealous of their own children's success. My mother has ruined other people's credit over the years, behaves demandingly, expects people to help her with no return of help. If she "helps, " she then has the perspective that you "owe" her. She manipulates, lies, steals, badmouths, and has no boundaries. She'll then turn around and try to dominate your life under the guise of "parenting." You'd be surprised if you met them, because my parents are both highly educated people. They can present themselves as so normal when they want to. Because they are cut from the same cloth, they couldn't get along and divorced years ago in 1985. If you heard my mother tell the story, you'd think it just happened yesterday. Both she and my father channel their vindictiveness at each other in big and little ways with comments and things they do to each other in the family and in the community. For example, they don't go out of their way to demonstrate any kind of support or unconditional love, but they will compete with each other during the holidays over who will be serving their meal and when. They become pouty and begin treating their adult children like it boils down to a matter of loyalty and choosing one over the other. This kind of inappropriate behavior has gone on for the last 25 years. Another example is that my Dad always brought alcohol to family functions when they weren't separate, knowing my mother didn't like it. Now days, being he has had quintuple bypass surgery and gave up alcohol, he gets bent out of shape if anyone (like my siblings or his siblings) brings alcohol to his family functions. Another example, my mother got paid on Friday, went shopping for the weekend, and expected me to fill her car up with gas on Sunday so she could get to work on Monday. She threw a fit, because I refused. She's been jailed for bounced checks. He's been jailed for DUIs in numerous states. My father also threw a fit, because I once refused to order laptops for him through my work so he could get the tax exemption and save money. They are both sheisters and would get me involved with criminal matters without a care if I let them. My mother has two masters and a doctoral degree. At one point, my mother remarried and throughout the entire time she was married, she was jealous of me over her husband and would constantly talk about me behind my back and to my face, accusing me of being a lonely single parent who might fool around with her husband. I had been genuninely happy for her when she had met her husband, because I knew she'd been so devastated when my dad had divorced her. Her second husband eventually couldn't take her anymore and left too. I never used to go visit she and her second husband in order to avoid the whole situation, because it was very hurtful to be treated like that. I eventually forgave her and tried to have a normal relationship with her, but of course, I'm always a bad daughter for setting my boundaries. My father is an attorney and a crook. He left all four of us--me and my three siblings when we were kids, because he couldn't take my mother anymore. So without a glance backward, he left us to be verbally, emotionally and physically abused by her. He paid my mother the monthly child support to relieve his guilt, and then proceeded to live the high life buying fancy clothes, driving a sportscar, and bringing a different girlfriend home when we did see him. When we talked in the phone, he was always distant and uninterested in hearing about our unhappiness. When I had my daughter in college, he was angry when I asked for money to help with costs. He told me that he didn't tell me to have a child. My two sisters later began stripping when they got to college, being my dad didn't help & my mom misspent her money and the child support. My two sisters also have chemical dependency and mental health issues. My dad told them he didn't care if they had to prostitute or strip as long as they didn't bother him for money. My brother has mental health and chemical dependency issues as well. I do not have chemical dependency issues, but have had mental health issues with depression, PTSD, anxiety, and being co-dependent in my life with everyone around me. I have two children now with two fathers who never see them. I picked two abusive and emotionally rejecting men just like my parents. Today, my mother lives like a transient in a tiny town working for low wages and takes care of one of my sister's who is on disability. My sister chain smokes and refused to smoke outside when my kids used to visit. I don't allow them to visit, because she is mean to them. She and my mother usually end up having to call the police when they get into a fight, because my sister becomes jealous of my children visiting. My Dad is with a much younger, uneducated, overweight, lazy unattractive woman who fooled around on him twice with at least two men whom she had a kid with. On one occasion, she told me that she is embarrassed to be seen with my dad now that he is so old. I never said anything to her or to him in order to stay out of the situation. She appears to be a gold digger at this point, staying around and waiting for him to die so she can inherit his retirement benefits for she and her two children. She won't allow my children to visit their grandfather, and my father goes along with it. So now my dad is raising her two kids and leaving all of his government retirement to them, pays for everything for this woman, and gives money to she and her family. These two kids carry his last name, and he tells everyone that they are his sons. He takes them hunting with him, teaches them and spends time with them, attends their functions, and compares them to my son all of the time--and not in a good way. He allows and even encourages his girlfriend to be disrespectful to people on the phone and in person. She is 30 years younger than him. He is 65 years old, and she is 35 years old. Both my parents rarely see their only two grandchildren, because they don't want to take the time. My kids have no father figure or grandparents. All of their other grandparents are deceased. My other sister was a stripper and now she is an attorney. We had been close or so it seemed, but she is always caught up in the man of the moment. We can't maintain a relationship because she revolves her life around whatever current boyfriend that she has. She has no friends--just whatever current boyfriend she is with, yet she refused to make any positive healthy changes, go to counseling, and just self medicates with drugs and drinking. Every once in a while, she nearly has a breakdown and becomes violent and destructive toward other people and property, or she becomes self destructive with trying to harm herself. My brother has been physically and verbally abusive to me and my kids and becomes violent. He behaves in a very paranoid fashion. He will take offense at the slightest thing and then becomes obssessive about it and then begin planning a retaliatory act. He is so unstable that I can't trust to be around him for very long. His moods shift drastically and rapidly. He doesn't trust mental health professionals and so refuses to seek help. For all of the above, and so much more that is too much to tell, I have split from my family for my own sanity and mental health and that of my kids. My family has no respect and no boundaries. You cannot repair a family and family relationships if people do not acknowledge the dysfunction or take any responsibility for their share in it and do want to make an effort toward improvement. Since splitting from my family, I am longer suffering with daily disappointment, frustration, anger, resentment, pain, tears, and depression, because I no longer am suffering mistreatment at the hands of my family. I am not perfect either. The dysfunction caused me to make poor choices in my life, but I feel that I have sincerely tried with my family and with the fathers of my children. I am tired of always making an effort and being treated like a doormat. The doormat is done & moving on with her life. I just want people to know that there IS a difference in dysfunctional families, and there are very negative long term effects, especially the pain that never goes away, that take a long time for some to recover from, if ever. There is no empathy, love, caring, support, or positive regard in my family. It's sad, but I've come to accept that, let go of my expectations, and to focus on myself and my children to help us to be as healthy as possible. I have gone to counseling to resolve these issues, and I have made a conscious effort to surround myself with healthy, positive, supportive people in my life and that of my kids.

Comment #23 S. (208.53.106.46) -

"True dysfunctional families ARE different"

Dysfunction is more than the crazy uncle drinking too much at Christmas every year or bickering between siblings. Some of the comments above are missing a grasp of true dysfunction and what it's like to exist in such an environment.

Unless you actually come from a TRUE dysfunctional family, you can't grasp just how different the concept of reality is in such a family. Having grown up in a dysfunctional family (alcoholism, control and verbal abuse were all issues) I can honestly say that a kid growing up in a true dysfunctional family CANNOT work things out or make things better. That's the mark of dysfunction: the people in the relationship (especially kids) are forced to play the roles and accept a reality that most people would not accept. Anyone in a real dysfunctional family who questions the way things are or tries to find middle ground in the delusion is often called crazy or becomes a scapegoat for the family. These roles perpetuate into adulthood and unless people are willing to seek professional help (which they typically are not) things do not change.

I agree that in most normal, healthy relationships there is arguing, conflict, compromise, etc. In normal relationships it does take work, but ultimately things can be worked out. Once I removed myself from my family I learned that normal people can work things out and become stronger. But in a dysfunctional family talking does not help and is often "not allowed" by unspoken family rules. Cycles move from moments of insane conflict and everyone playing the role that "things are fine" with no in between and no possibility for people to process their feelings.

Leaving is often the only option. It was for me. But it's too simplistic for people to say "just move on and get over it" - most people want to belong, and most people who are rational, compromising adults believe that things can be worked out. That's why it's so hard to leave. If you become healthy and want to make things better with your family then you are a person who believes that people can talk things out...but the dysfunctional family still doesn't accept that...so they will never change. Thus, leaving still causes feelings of guilt, regret and what if in the person who has grown.

If you did not grow up in true dysfunction, you are lucky. If you know someone who comes from dysfunction, appreciate the fact that they are orphans in a sense. Their families likely don't love and validate them. The best thing you can do is love those people and be like a family to them. Don't judge them for leaving (if they did), it was likely an impossibly hard decision and one they continue to second guess even if it was for the best.

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